I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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