Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
