I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
