i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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