Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
