so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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