The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
