I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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