just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize