i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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