Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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