thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
