I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Randomize
