I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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