did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
a search helicopter?!
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize