I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
