If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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