Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
