when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
