We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
