ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
