i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
