Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize