you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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