I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
