There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
In other news, I just burned my penis
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
