If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
