If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
