Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
