just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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