you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
