the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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