I think my vagina is haunted
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize