thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize