It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
