you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
