So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
