this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
i think i just lost a toe
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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