I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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