i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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