I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
