Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
