I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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