My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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