I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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