look no pants
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
