Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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