apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Randomize
