textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
