You can't motorboat a personality
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
