it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
