I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
