Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Vodka?
Forever.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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