Your face is a jimmy john
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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