i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
