I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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