Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
