just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
