Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
